Christina's Birthday

Below is a pictorial essay of the day of Christina’s birthday celebration. I say day of because the first few pictures were taken on my way to her apartment – either while waiting for a bus or through the window of a bus. At Christina’s apartment, we made Black Bottom Cupcakes from a recipe in the magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray. I thought the cupcakes were a little sweet, though Bryan said they were the best he had ever eaten (a bit of hyperbole, perhaps?). The cheesecake filling is excellent, however, and I usually add it to a box of Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe Dark Chocolate Fudge cake mix. I make the cake and then drop tablespoons of the filling over the entire surface of the cake. I don’t really care for most cake, but this is my favorite recipe.

This day was pretty exciting for me – not only was it my first time at Christina’s apartment in almost two years, but it was the first big social event that I’ve been to since my surgeries that hasn’t been at or very near to either my house or my dad’s house. It made me so happy that I finally felt well enough to go out for the day with my friends. And Christina and Jon kindly provided a beach chair for me to sit on. I’m sure everyone was jealous. I have to say, though, that I kept glancing up instinctively waiting for Pam to get there (she’s in England).

It’s very strange to me to observe how everyone’s lives have gone in different directions since graduation. Although my life went in an unexpected direction that included two spinal fusions, college (which was the last thing that I did before I had my operations) still feels close, as if I just graduated. It’s like when during your first year of college, you’re still talking about high school because you don’t know who you are yet as a university student. Having two surgeries sent me into a form of limbo and I know that I’m not the same person that I was in college (how could I be?) but I haven’t had the chance to figure out how I’ve changed so I’m still stuck back at Rutgers. My friends’ lives have moved on, and I have to find my place as a member of the group and the universe in general again (you see, I’ve been living in a distant place called Bed for two years). It’s not as though I didn’t feel at ease with my friends, but more like I don’t yet feel at ease with myself (does one ever?).

Enjoy the pictures – I have more and I’ll put them on Shutterfly as soon as I get a chance. Let me know if you’d like the link to the album. I should say that none of the people in the pictures realized that their photo was being taken. I prefer taking candid shots because I think they look more natural (though often out of focus).


This is an ad on a bus stop lean-to. It is a drawing of a city skyline and real city buildings are reflected on the glass.


I took this picture inside of the same lean-to, hence the gray dots. I thought the tall, triangular building was neat.


Me taking a picture of me as reflected in a camera advertisement. Kind of meta, no? The ad says Your dad is not a horse's behind.


I took this picture from the bus. A real tree and a tree of ladies. I thought it looked cool.


Some cars on a roof. Kind of precarious looking. Also taken from the bus and you can see the bus lights in the sky. Come to think of it, it would be kind of neat to travel all around cities on public buses and take pictures through the windows and make it a sort of book.


This picture was taken at Central Park where Christina had her birthday picnic. I purposely moved the camera to blur the image because I only wanted to show how many people were at the park but not actually be able to make out their faces.


Chris pouring wine and giving directions.


Christina and Jon. Cute, but would be cuter if it weren't out of focus. Please mentally remove that ugly baby carriage. Or, if you're a Photoshop whiz, literally remove it and give me the photo.


Bryan, Lakshmi, Cui.


Tiff and Lakshmi.


Tiff and her boyfriend Jesse.


Some lanterns at Tavern on the Green. I know it's such a touristy thing to photograph, but I couldn't help myself.

Monarch?

A wind chime in my backyard.

I took the following pictures of a butterfly in my backyard. My mom said that this is a Yellow Monarch. It is either feeding or laying eggs on this milkweed plant, which is consistent with Monarch butterflies. But as far as I can tell from searching on the internet Monarchs are usually orange. If this is, in fact, a Monarch, it may be on its springtime northward migration back to Canada (or starting an early southward migration?). It was hard to take these pictures as the butterfly kept moving from one plant to another and then between the spherical umbels (or the grouping of individual flowers that form an umbrella-shaped flower head). If you know the correct family of butterflies to which this one belongs, let me know. This sounds like a question for Marc and Teresa, so I might have to ask them.

So long, Chuck.

These used to be my most beloved shoes. I loved them all the more as they became worn and faded. They’ve sat on a shelf in my closet for almost two years. I put my Converse away before my first spinal fusion, because I needed, for a time anyway, to wear slip-on shoes. No bending allowed. But they haven’t seen pavement (um, with the exception of this photograph) since I stowed them on that shelf. I have nerve damage in my big toes – a common and expected result from spinal fusions as the L5 nerve to the feet must be moved during the operation – and any pressure (from shoes that were probably too tight to begin with) hurts them. Now I have to wear ugly, wide shoes that don’t press on my toes. The nerve damage causes a weakness and an inability to resist force – as in, I step down from a bus and my toe gives out. And it hurts. I used to feel the pain in both of my big toes on a fairly constant basis, but the left one has only been caving in against the sidewalk periodically and I’m sure the right is close to follow. My doctor said to give it nine months to two years (from the date of surgery). Either way, I think that my Converse are retired for good. But they’ll stay on the shelf. And if I move, I’m sure that I’ll be tempted to bring them along. They remind me of my pre-spinal-fusion life; of a time when I didn’t even know that I needed surgery. That time hardly seems real anymore, but I guess these shoes are proof.

Road Kill

Last night, a block party was going on in front of my house. Astrid was coming to pick me up so we could go out for ice cream. I told her to meet me at the end of my street. As I was waiting for her car to pull up, I spotted this poor toy frog. I wished that I had brought my camera. This morning, Ginger (my dog) and I walked down the street. I photographed, she pulled on the leash to cross the street. Pinky the Pomeranian came by and barked at Ginger like he wanted to rip her to pieces. He neglected to notice that he (minus the poofy hair) is just about the size of her head (she does not have poofy hair). That explains the picture.

One big, smooshed together post.

Get your ducks in a row.

I’ve been meaning to update my blog every week for the past three weeks, so instead of multiple entries, here is one big, smooshed together post about my trips into the city for physical therapy and other stuff:

Next week will be my fifth week of Physical Therapy and the first time that I only need to go in for one appointment instead of two. As I progress in my therapy, I am able to move more and the exercises become easier, or, less hard, as I’ve learned to say. Calling an exercise easy quickly eliminates it from your routine and advances you to the next level. Not that I’m not totally psyched when I get new exercises (it means that I’m getting stronger), but blending in the easier stuff gives me a bit of a break in my routine. And then there’s the fact that with each new exercise, I still find it hard to believe that my body will actually be able to go there, that it will not break. This is not a totally irrational fear, because my back did happen to break a few months ago after my first spinal fusion failed. My physical therapists tell me that this mistrust in my own body will fade, but I wonder how long it will take. In The History of Love, Nicole Krauss writes about an Age of Glass when “everyone believed some part of him or her to be extremely fragile. For some it was a hand, for others a femur, yet others believed it was their noses that were made of glass…. This period lasted a relatively short time…. about a century.” She goes on to write that the illusion became vestigial, that this feeling of fragility resurfaced from time to time after the Age of Glass was thought to be over. I wonder if and when my fear that my back will break again or that I’ll eventually need another fusion will go away, or if it will remain for the most part dormant but always waiting and able to creep into my thoughts.

So, enough of that slightly depressing stuff! I haven’t just been sitting around afraid that I’m going to break. I’ve been enjoying this new stronger and less painful me. I’ve seen my friends more often in the past four weeks than during my two years of surgeries and recoveries. My PT is in the city, so I stay with my dad and am able to see my friends who live in and around New York. Three weeks ago, I made falafels for Joe (and my dad) from this Cooking Light recipe (I doubled the recipe and served them on top of a salad instead of in a pita). We got bubble tea and went to a nearby park that I discovered with Christina, Pam and Lakshmi. There we saw two huge rats either fighting or loving it out. They were close enough that I could see that one had a bald patch on his butt. We also saw a girl walking a cat on a leash. It didn’t seem to mind at all. The cat only reminded me that I want a cat of my own to name after a Harry Potter character and possibly walk on a leash. Last week I made fajitas for Christina (and, again, my dad). (I thought) they were pretty good and if anyone wants the very simple recipe let me know and I’ll post it. After dinner, Christina and I listened to the Pinkberry theme song (PIN-KBE-RRY, pinkberry!) until we could actually hear it’s echo bouncing around our skulls (Pinkberry for me, Pinkberry!). Soon after that, Jon joined us for the swirly goodness (as it’s called on their website), and we discovered that pinkberry actually is swirly and good and hopefully not just a fad (I still love Bubble Tea!).

Other than seeing my friends more often, these past weeks have brought a couple of other post-surgery firsts. For one thing, I’ve ridden the subway a few times. Initially, I was terrified that I wouldn’t find a seat and that someone would smash into my back. It’s been fine, though I did almost fall when a woman tried to get to the exit before the car had stopped. The train is certainly faster than the bus, but I do miss looking out the windows as I travel from one destination to another. Lately, riding the MTA buses is the only time that I can appreciate the city views. My former New York internships were basically walking tours of the city – I got to know Tribeca (when I was at Sherry Films), Soho (Elevation Filmworks) and the East Village (The Poetry Project at St. Marks Church). But since my surgeries, stepping onto the New York streets has a dizzying affect. I’m instantly overwhelmed and unable to notice even the storefronts. As I’m walking, I can only focus on the throngs of people as I try to navigate around them. Without my cane, which created an invisible yet impenetrable two-foot circle around me, I am constantly trying to protect myself from the people that could hurt me. This is a perfect example of how my own Age of Glass affects not only my psyche but my behavior. In fact, I don’t think that I would have ever noticed Pinkberry were I to have walked by it instead of ridden passed on the bus on my way to PT.

I don’t necessarily think of my new reaction to the city as a negative. It’s only one of the things that I’ve noticed has changed since my surgeries. I’ve also discovered that I love to cook. I’ve rediscovered that I can be happy going places and doing thing in books when I can’t go or do on my own. As I child, I read as many books as I could. They were my video games, my TV. But they were also my friends when I didn’t have many. Though that lonely, friendless part of me that only went places, did things, and had friends in books all but disappeared in high school and especially college, I welcomed her back during my recovery time after my surgeries. And, although the going and doing with friends that has happened in the last few weeks has been absolutely wonderful, my surgeries made me realize that I can be satisfied by very little – if I would even dare to describe a book as very little.

Another post-surgeries first that is very exciting is swimming! A few PT sessions ago, I was cleared for swimming – only certain strokes like the breaststroke and sidestroke that don’t cause an extension, or curving, of my back. The public pool (for which I, upon learning that I could swim, promptly bought a badge) is only open on weekends until school lets out. So I was only able to go once last week, but I still managed to stress out my back. I went to physical therapy with a gargantuan knot to the left of my lumbar spine. They gave me a massage and told me to relax a bit on my exercise routine and to limit my swimming to not actually swimming. Just walking in the water. Tak and Brian, my physical therapists (Tak is doing his internship under Brian), told me to lie on top of a tennis ball and try to massage the knot out. I tried it a couple of times (Jon and Christina can attest to that), but it just hurt more. At my session on Thursday, I had an electrode machine and a heat pack on my back to loosen the knot, and another massage but still no luck. I told Brian that even after a year and a half of constant pain, I had managed to get used to feeling better (which I had been since starting PT). Three weeks had spoiled me. Apparently, I like being spoiled.

I figured that it would take a few days to get rid of this knot, and today (Sunday) it’s finally feeling better. I went to the pool yesterday and this afternoon and didn’t overexert myself – just some light kicking while holding onto the edge and today I added a bit of sidestroke. As I was walking home, I realized that my back wasn’t hurting. I felt for the knot and it was still there, but had majorly decreased in size and pain. Wahoo! Besides knot removal (or lessening), the pool is also good for reading. In these past two days, I have almost finished The History of Love. It’s been taking me an absurdly long time as I’ve only been reading on the train to and from the city. In other exciting news, I actually talked to Teresa twice this week! Two times in one week is a record!

Here are a couple of shout-outs:
The first goes to Tak, even though he will never read this blog. He was doing his internship for his PhD at the place that I go to for PT. I worked with him for four weeks, but he finished his internship on Friday, so I’ll probably never see him again. But he did a great job. Now it’s back to Brian. Well not really back to, more like starting over with.
My second shout-out goes to Pam, who read and commented on my blog even though she’s in Berlin. I hope you’re having a great time! Come back sooner than later. To my blog and this country.

The following pictures (and the one at the top of this post) were taken during a fun night about two weeks ago right before Pam left the country. I saved talking about it for these pictures, but, to sum it up, Cui, Lakshmi, Tif, Christina, Pam, Randi and I all went out for dinner and bubble tea.



T(if)L(akshmi)C(ui)



C(hristina)P(am)R(andi)



We sat on the second floor at Lili's for the first time. In this picture, I like that the word sushi is reflected on a mirror on the first floor.



After dinner, Jon joined us (he's on his Blackberry!). Pam, Randi, Chris, Jon and I went to this new coffee shop called M. Rohr's for some tea (I guess we hadn't had enough bubble tea). It was cute and pretty homey. Much less crowded and hipster-ish than DT-UT, which is closing next week anyway.



Two chairs at M. Rohr's.